Salvation

Tammy Faye Bakker has passed away, which is no surprise for anyone who saw her recent interview with Larry King. I couldn’t watch the show – for starters, I’m not big fan of Larry King – but mainly because it was so sad to see Tammy literally fading away on national TV. I have read several editorials, in which people have commented that perhaps it was God’s retribution for her past sins. I disagree.

In the early 1980's Jim and Tammy Faye were at the height of their televangelical popularity. Contributions from their PTL Club viewers were in excess of $1000,000 per week! As New Yorker Magazine once wrote - "They epitomized the excesses of the 1980s; the greed, the love of glitz, and the shamelessness; which in their case was so pure as to almost amount to a kind of innocence."

During that time, I worked at a swanky restaurant in the Dallas area, where Jim and Tammy Faye were regulars. Jim was an asshole. The kind of guy who never looked you in the eye and had this phoney sense of entitlement - not to mention he was a lousy tipper. Tammy Faye was actually a very kind and sweet person. She was Gangsta long before it was cool, and I’m not just talking about the hair and make-up. Her clothes, jewelry, everything were always way over the top.

I confess, I have real issues with the whole Missionary mentality. Isn’t it just a little presumptuous to assume I need saving, when you don’t even know me?

When Captain Cook first went to Hawaii, he wrote that the native people were excellent stewards of the land – the best he had ever seen. It was a rich, thriving culture – in which the locals were able to balance their needs with that of nature. We all know what happened after the Missionaries arrived, but few people realize that their decendants now own most of the land in Hawaii. Not to mention the adverse effect they have had on the island environment.

Yet, even though I disapprove of the whole "Save the Heathens” mentality - I’m not without compassion. I always feel sorry for the door-to-door missionaries who visit my home, and have a difficult time asking them to leave. Fortunately, my best friend Nina solved my problem several years ago.

It was a Saturday morning, and I was enjoying a quiet cup of tea with Nina when I heard a knock at our door. Damn! It was the same two young proselytizers that had made a habit of waking me up every Saturday morning. I figured the best way to deal with the situation was to quietly tippy-toe downstairs and pretend I wasn't home. Lucky for me Nina decided to take control of the situation.

Nina opened the door and politely introduced herself – after which she produced a pen and paper and asked the two young men for their home address. They looked confused and didn’t really know how to respond. Nina then told them that she would be dropping by their house sometime next week, so she could tell them all about her own religious beliefs. Let’s just say that they couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

We must now be on their black list, as nobody from that church has ever been back. When they call on our neighborhood, they avoid our house at all costs. Thanks Nina!